Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
