it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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