How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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