Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
So squirting runs in the family.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
