I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
