I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
