my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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