sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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