I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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