when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
