Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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