Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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