my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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