I just threw up on my dentist
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
