are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Randomize
