I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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