Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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