woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We're too hungover to prance.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
