chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I need to stop coming to work sober
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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