i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
