So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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