hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
