just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
