i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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