the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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