I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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