I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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