I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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