my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
