More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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