yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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