Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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