i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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