No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
