life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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