Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
