his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
