Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
