We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize