i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
