she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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