Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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