Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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