After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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