The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
