I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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