someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
