we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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