ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
