Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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