i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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