All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
