Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize