I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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