i need an iv and a liver transplant
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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