oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
