What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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