So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
